The "please add me" post

2004-07-06T18:50:19Z

Comment here if you'd like to be added to my friends list - say whether you just want to read the fiction and random writing, or whether you're interested in the personal stuff about my life as well :)

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2004-04-08T21:26:16Z

Things I find interesting, and want to remember..

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/weblogs/caprycorn/20040405211253450

Evil twin and I were comparing notes the other day about what we have to do sometimes, as submissives. And no I don't mean sexually (although we talk about that too ). We were discussing what we saw as our roles, for want of a better word, as submissives and how it involves a lot more thought than we (ok, me) sometimes want to give it.

The area that I find hardest is putting aside my own wants and desires in favour of J's. Again, I don't mean sexually; I mean in the boring 24 / 7 sense of the word. For example, anyone who reads my blogs will know how much I miss my dog. I would like another dog, and luckily for me, so would J. But if he didn't want animals in the house, that would be pretty rough for me to cope with... but I would have to cope with it as part of the dynamic of our relationship.

I still need reasons. I know that my submission has a long way to go, because I cannot accept implicitly what he says is right, just because he says it. If J wants to do something, or NOT to do something, that means a lot to me then I need to know why. I don't mean that I stamp my feet and shout and swear until he tells me; I ask why and if I truly can't understand his reasoning, I will ask for clarity until I do. Luckily for me, he is patient enough with me to do so. He knows that I am suspicious by nature; he never expects me to accept blindly as I am too cynical by nature to do so. However - huge step for me - I am finally realising that he doesn't say NO for the sake of it, that he isn't being mean, or petty, or spiteful. I don't have to fight him for the things that I need because he will have recognised those needs for the most part before I even knew they were there.

However he does have one blind spot that drives me crazy. If I am ever punished for something, even a very mild punishment, it plunges me so far down that it takes me a long time to stop trashing myself about it. And he trots out the line that drives me crackers - "when a punishment is complete, then it is forgotten". Nice theory, not so easy to apply. Hellsbells - no you aren't crazy and no you aren't a fraud. We all push at times, we all get lazy and we all fuck up. And when we are punished, we feel like shite for long after they realise it.

J recognises now that my capacity for punishing myself is far in excess of anything that he can do to me. His approach at first was to punish me and then if I didn't calm down quickly enough (or at least appear to) punish me again! (showing severe displeasure is punishment as well he knows, as is withdrawal even if he is still in the same room.) If he ever has cause to punish me now, he will do so and then after a while, talk to me calmly and make sure that I am back on an even keel. He is still cross that I can't let things go, but he does realise that I will end up chasing my tail unless he helps me break that cycle. He never used to do so. In fact, the time we have come closest to splitting up was when he administered what I considered an unfair punishment when I was in no emotional state to deal with it. We live, we learn.

That is something else that I have trouble remembering sometimes - that if I consider a punishment unfair and unjust, then I don't have to accept it. Punishment may be unpleasant, but it is still consensual in that I accept the right for it to be administered. If I refused to accept a punishment then it would have to be for a pretty major reason, and would possibly lead to our relationship being over if J could not cope with my defiance. But then I ask myself that if he was prepared to administer punishment unconsensually and unjustly, then is he really someone that I should submit to? And the answer is self evident that he wouldnt be.

I don't defy J for the sake of it - it would be a pointless exercise. I push my luck sometimes, especially with the lip (don't laugh!) but then again, I always did sail close to the wind like that. I do it professionally too. He knows that just a hint of The Look has me behaving instantly as I wouldnt dare do anything but. His displeasure is not something I enjoy and neither is self recrimination.

Another submissive duty that sometimes takes thought - making sure that J, as my Dominant and my lover, feels like king of the world. If he has a crap day then it is time for capi to dive into "geisha mode" as evil twin and I call it, and ensure that he feels ten feet high again as soon as possible. It isn't always easy to do, especially when I am tired myself or stressed out from work or other nilla circumstances... but it has to be done. And when it is done, and he is smiling, relaxed and happy, he will always make sure that I am too. Fair's fair after all . But one thing that it took me a while to realise - I might be submissive but there are times when it is up to me to initiate certain behaviour patterns. It isn't topping from the bottom; it is recognising that J has needs as much as I do, and it is my responsibility to respond to those needs as much as his is to me. Not always easily done, but I do try.

Ahhh more navel gazing. It's amazing how much navel contemplation can go on during a lazy weekend :)

And next..

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/weblogs/caprycorn/20040406154135842

I was thinking about pain, the giving and the receiving of it. I know from evil twin and from others that some people enjoy pain once it has become fundamentally associated with eroticism in a way that I never could. I know that I can take a huge amount of pain, and have done so, but never in the accepting and even needful way that others I know can do. I can safely say that I have never relished the receiving of severe pain for pain's sake. I can take it. I feel proud when I know that I have given pleasure by taking pain… but I have never received pleasure myself directly from intense pain... although I do actively enjoy milder "erotic" pain. Does that make sense?

I have played (crap description of what actually happened as it wasn’t exactly playful but hey ho) with some quite sadistic men who relished in the giving of pain. In each case, it was a battle of wills. Would I crack before them? (No for the most part) They revelled in seeing me marked and bruised, bitten and beaten. The fact that I carried marks imposed by them on my flesh when we were back in a nilla setting gave them profound pleasure. I felt proud that I had pleased them by taking the pain, but I certainly didn’t need the pain itself, or at least not to the degree that it was given.

As for non consensual pain, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that that does not appeal to me. If anyone ever tried to inflict pain on me again that was not with my acceptance, then I would hurt them. Badly.

And yet, and yet….sometimes I miss the severe consensual pain. Not because I enjoyed it, but because I enjoyed the internal struggle of fighting with myself as to whether to take it in the first place and then on how much I actually could take. It was a sense of achievement almost. Which is probably one reason why J never gives me severe pain – he realises that the ultimate gratification would not be pleasure but pride. Instead he relishes in control. He adores the fact that he has complete physical control over me without even touching me. He loves it when I attempt to buck his control and fail (I still fight it sometimes). Yes, he likes to bind me, chain me, restrain me as physical manifestations of the control he possesses. He also likes to impose pain sometimes, but never in the same way as others I have known. His methodology for the imposition of that pain is the same as mine – sweet heightens the sour and vice versa. He doesn't like to mark me, and so the pain that he gives is more refined for want of a better word than some of the heavy beating style method that others have used. And again, it is an extension of his control that he knows I will take the pain for him WITHOUT turning it into a battle.

That’s the profound difference for me. I can’t hide behind a “fuck YOU!” state of mind with J. When he imposes pain it is because it pleases him to do so, and he knows that I will do anything I can to take that pain… but I can’t tolerate the same level for him because I don’t have that war to fight. It could be that, because I care for him so profoundly, I may take more pain for him by dint of acceptance, but unless it is his pleasure to explore this concept then I doubt I will find out. J has his own reasons for not wanting to go down that route – for him, for a variety of reasons, the giving of intense pain provokes a mental and emotional disassociation from his partner that he does not wish to risk with me. What we do together is because we choose. I am not a fool. J could demand my submission and impose his will upon me, but if he insisted on taking me down a path that i was profoundly uncomfortable with, he would lose my respect – a fact we both know.

I read your blog kaoskitten aka Jay, and I realised that yes, you have trodden a path that I never could. The thought of what you describe both exhilarates and horrifies me as a personal choice, in equal measure. I admire you for it, even as I accept that for me it would be the incorrect path. I have fought too long and too hard to have the option to make choices. I could never do as you did and become so completely and utterly controlled on every level, with no ability to say STOP! ENOUGH .. or even the desire after a while to say stop, enough.… and I know very few other people who could either. The only one I know who could is evil twin. She, like you, gains strength through her very vulnerability. I do not. I know that I am not slave to J. I am his submissive, his fiancée, his lover, his friend, his sparring partner, his pleasure (his words there, not mine). He has control over me so profound that I doubt he realises it… and yet still nothing like as severe as your description of your slavery, Jay. And that, for us, is the way that suits us best. I know my own limitations on that one.

Leaps of faith

The "please add me" post

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